


I'll Be Here Where I've Always Been

by towardstheair



Series: Future's Series [2]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:20:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Until that moment comes, I'll be here where I've always been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Be Here Where I've Always Been

I'll Be Here Where I've Always Been

 

Kris can hear the dull thud of the beat even from outside the club. It isn’t often that he finds himself back here - in fact in the last two years he can count on one hand the number of times he has returned to this place. Even so, it was always out of some kind of obligation or promise made before he even knew where he was going. Two years. It feels impossible for it to have been so long when he can still remember everything about that night so vividly. It feels like something out of his dreams, sometimes it creeps up on him when he closes his eyes - when he least expects it. He can see it all so clearly, he can see him all so clearly.

 

This scene had been all he had known during his first few years in this city. It had pulled him in with promises of something more and spat him out broken hearted and torn. The memories blur, each into the next, and the only thing that stands out with perfect clarity is still that one person, shining bright against the darkness. He can still feel every touch, see every look, hear every lie he was told. That person is the same reason he hardly ever comes here.

 

It's cold out tonight and he wishes he'd brought his jacket with him. He knows if he goes back inside there is no chance he’ll be able to escape again. He knows Josh will be looking for him already, not that Kris can blame him - it isn't like he had excused himself before making a run to the nearest exit and it wasn't an unusual scenario to be in, not for him anyway. He has played in crowded bars night after night, so it isn't the bar that's the problem.

 

It's the location; Smack, bang in the middle of his past.

 

Kris leans his head back against the cold concrete and looks up at the sky. It isn’t clear tonight, but he can see the moon threatening to break through the clouds and he starts to wonder when it was that he last saw a clear sky. Suddenly he longs to be back at his parents’ house, wrapped in a blanked with hot cocoa under a sky full of stars.

 

It’s hard to believe that these dark side walks and alleyways were once so familiar to him, that finding his way out of them only took him a matter of minutes. Now, he relies on someone else to get out, and he's not sure if it is because he really can't remember or won't let himself.

 

It all looks the same to him; dark, lonely and needy. There is absolutely nothing special about anything surrounding him right now, and everything that brings this place to life is hidden behind doors and blackened windows. The music drifting through the space is what pulls people in and keeps the coming back.

 

He can hear the noise of chatter from around the corner, the door opening and closing as more people step off the streets and into the bar. He wants to tell them all that they won't find whatever it is they are looking for, that it is a useless attempt. He would know - he's the one who spent six years searching only to have found nothing at all and neither will they. The difference is they still have ideals and dreams and imaginary worlds built around them. Sometimes he misses that feeling.

 

The door opens and closes again and Kris shuts his eyes. He doesn't have long out here, maybe at least five minutes before his phone is ringing or someone is sent out to look for him. He did make his friend a promise. It had been a drunken promise on a fading dream that all of them were beginning to wonder about ever coming true. Most of his friends, like him, had moved here with idealistic dreams. All of them aspiring to be something better than what they were, all feeling closed in by a life suffocating them. It was liberating and freeing to be here, but Kris learnt himself and by the stories from his friends that just because you want something so badly it doesn’t mean you can dream it into existence. So this was a big deal, a small gig in a bad part of town, but still a whole lot better than getting nothing at all. So, here it was. And that meant so was he.

 

Michelle is performing tonight. After months of busking and desperately trying to find a gig, someone had seen her performing in the street and offered her the a chance to sing tonight. Kris has never doubted her talent - in fact he has more faith in that talent than probably anyone else supporting her tonight. But he is also a realist and he doesn't quite believe that a person would simply pick a stranger off the street and give them everything they wanted. Not without expecting something in return. He has hasn't said any of this to Michelle because he remembers how excited she had been when she told him about the offer; her long brown curly hair bouncing as she did on his sofa, her smile wide and bright. It has been too long since he's seen her so happy. He doesn't want to be the reason her smile fades.

 

Michelle's confidence and voice should have been enough to warrant performing anywhere and the truth was that she deserved better than this - better than some dark club in the corner of nowhere, being paid next to nothing. This is half of Kris' problem. He always wants so much more for his friends. He sees them all struggling to pay their rent, just to get by day to day and he hates it because their talent is inspiring and everyone should get to see just how amazing they are. Some days it physically hurts him that there is nothing he can do to help them.

 

The door opens behind him and he can hear footsteps getting louder as they move in his direction. Josh is standing in front of him before Kris even has a chance to turn around. The small, knowing smile across his face says everything Josh wants to say. Sometimes Kris can't comprehend why Josh would want to be with him. Sometimes he wonders why Josh humours him by coming to watch his friends perform. Sometimes Kris wonders why he and Josh work when they are so different. There are even times when Kris wonders why he liked the idea so much of him and Josh being together.

 

He knows that if he thinks about it too much it is going to open up a whole load of questions that he doesn't want to answer and the thing is, it’s really a very simple reason why he loves the idea of him and Josh so much. It's because Josh is so far from being anything at all like Adam.

 

Josh has a steady job in an office working 9-5, selling or buying something, he gives to charity and volunteers at a homeless shelter. Every Sunday he goes and visits his Grandmother and spends the whole day there, mowing her lawn and doing her chores. He is worthy of the emails he sends to his Mama. The trouble is, it's all very beige.

 

Kris knows beige. He spent his childhood blending in, never standing out to anyone. For a long time it had been enough for him. It wasn't until he came to live here that he realised he could be so much more. The feeling of being alive is one thing he does miss about his first years in the city. The feeling of having all eyes on you and commanding the attention of everyone in the room. He felt that with Adam. To be fair, most of the attention was directed towards Adam, but to be in the presence of that, it was electrifying.

 

“Hey... are you with me?” Josh’s voice is soft and his hand is warm against Kris's face. Kris closes his eyes and leans into the touch. He can't say he feels nothing at all towards Josh. He loves him, but its from somewhere on the surface. Like he can't do anything but love Josh. It doesn't go any deeper than this moment here and Kris is okay with that. He shouldn't be, because he can see that for Josh this is deep, down to his bones. This is it for Josh and Kris is being incredibly unfair to him.

 

“Michelle's about to go on. Come on.” Josh smiles and steps away from him, holding out his hand in invitation for Kris to take it. He does it without thought because this is the reason he came here. For his friend. He can't spend all night outside reliving the past that made him miserable.

 

Kris has to admit that even though most of the clubs around here are seriously questionable, this one has a certain kind of style that Kris really likes. The walls seem to be a shiny, sparkly kind of silver with the lights dimmed low, and the only light coming from the stage, kind of has a magical feel to it. The small lights strung up on the wall give it a strange glow, illuminating the small crowd by the stage with a bronze light.

 

Kris lets Josh pull him past the side of the stage where he can see Michelle already setting up her guitar. She looks nervous and he wishes he could run up to her and tell her how amazing she is going to be. Because she will be. Josh leads him up the spiral stairs, those two have lights entwined around them, and all he can think is what a bitch it must have been to get them all perfectly distanced apart like they are. He glances down at the bar behind the stairs. It's busy and he wants to yell at them, he wants them to realise that one of the best shows of their lives is about to start, when he remembers that they probably won't care.

 

Upstairs, the balcony is just as enchanting. He can see his friends gathered in the corner all laughing and buzzing excitedly over their friend’s performance. It's good that they are all here like this, because it really feels like it's been too long since they were connected this way. Connected over something good. The last time they had all been together was two months ago at Craig's Mom’s funeral. No one knew what to say, no one knew how to make it better. So this, this is something special right here. He can't believe he spent so much time outside feeling sorry for himself.

 

They group around, practically hanging off the edge of the balcony and Kris finds himself standing in-between Craig and Laura when Michelle starts to play. There is something commanding about watching Michelle perform, her voice is sultry and yet powerful, and the lyrics flow beautifully. Everything seems so natural, like she's meant to be doing this for the rest of her life. One song flows into another, and she has everyone mesmerised.

 

“If anyone of us is going to make it...” Craig whispers into his ear “... its her.”

 

Kris nods in agreement, too transfixed to look away from the stage. Michelle is singing a new song, one he hasn't heard before. It's about finding love in a place you never expected to find it, and falling in love without even realising it. It's beautiful.

 

Kris lets the lyrics burn through him until he is pulled from the moment and he turns to look at Josh. He is chatting to his friends, watching Michelle perform, soaking everything in about the moment and all Kris can think is that he just doesn't belong here. He can't find any place in his life where Josh fits in.

 

They share an apartment, but it's all so separate. Josh has an office, full of textbooks and art hanging on the walls. Kris has a room with a whole wall of storage filled with his record collection and Beatles posters hanging on the walls. Kris is happy working in the tiny music store across from where they live and taking gigs when he can get them. Josh wants to get promoted and move up floors in the office where he works, he wants them to move right into the city one day and he keeps on hinting that he can get Kris a job. Kris doesn't know how many times he has told Josh that the this life, even though it may not seem like enough to him, is enough for Kris.

 

“He has it pretty bad doesn't he?”

 

“Huh?” Kris turns his head and Craig is smiling at him, his long mess of blonde hair falling across his eyes.

 

“Josh.” He nods his head in Josh's direction and Kris looks back to where Josh is watching Michelle, oblivious. “Maybe someone should tell him his boyfriend doesn't feel the same way.”

 

One thing Kris has always loved about Craig is his brutal honesty and ability to use it in the most inappropriate moments. Since Kris started working at Fruity Music with Craig, he has lost count of how many times Craig has told someone that their taste in music was crap or laughed at them when they requested a certain artist. It doesn't always go down well with the customers, but Kris finds it kind of hilarious.

 

Craig also carries the quality over into his personal life as well. He was the first one to tell Laura that dyeing her hair blue had been an awful idea, and had forced Kris to reconsider during his facial hair phase. He does it in a way that makes it hard to be mad at him though. Because he gave Laura the number of a really good hair salon he knew and bought Kris a razor and shaving cream. His gifts are harsh but effective.

 

“I know you well Kris Allen. And while Josh is a really great guy, you deserve more and so does he.”

 

That's the thing with Craig, he'll give you advice whether you want to hear it or not, and it’s usually the one thing you didn't want to admit and the exact truth. Craig pats him on the back and smiles, retreating to the corner where everyone is sitting and plonks down next to Laura. They still have the perfect view of Michelle and her amazing set that Kris never wants to end. Arms snake around his waist and he instinctively leans back as Josh's lips brush against his ear, his voice is soft. “I'm just going to get another drink. You want?”

 

Kris nods against Josh's chest and then he is gone, walking down the stairs, drifting into the sea of people and out of sight as he goes to the bar.

 

The song Michelle is singing now is familiar and Kris smiles at the memory of the two of them in a drunken mess, staying up until 4am finishing it. It was the first time he had told anyone about his first few years in the city, the first time he had told anyone about Adam and the life he had been a part of. What surprised Kris is that Michelle thought it was the most romantic, heartbreaking thing she had ever heard.

 

He protested at first, uncomfortable with his life being the inspiration of one of her songs. But she already had the guitar in her hand and notepad on the table, and there was no stopping her at times like that. The more vodka she gave Kris, the more it made him care less and reveal more. Some of the lyrics are even direct quotes that he said.

 

“The lights go black but you shine through it all  
You hold onto me tightly, you let me fall.”

 

It's harder to remember when he is sober. He hasn't drunk hardly enough tonight. He hopes that Josh thinks to get more than one drink for him because of how busy the bar is. If he lets himself linger too long over what Craig just said and how he has generally been feeling over the last few weeks, the night is going to end in the end of his relationship. Kris knows that it's inevitable, a long time coming but he can't seem to let go.

 

Josh’s arms are around his waist again and he leans back as usual, holding out his hand for his drink. He expects the coolness of a glass, instead a warm hand presses against his own and entwines their fingers. He figures Josh got bored waiting down at the bar because the queue is insane, and as soon as Michelle is done they will no doubt all be leaving. He pulls Josh's hand with his and rests it against his stomach.

 

Something feels different somehow. He feels safer, more at home in Josh' s arms than he has felt in a long time. He knows that his feelings are justified and that everything that Craig said is true. But if he could just keep this moment and this feeling, then he wouldn't need to think about all that other stuff.

 

Lips brush against his neck, just below his ear and he can feel the warm breath there and it feels right. It belongs there.

 

“I thought maybe you'd put up more of a fight.”

 

The voice does not belong to Josh.

 

It belongs to the person he has been secretly hoping would turn up all night, who he has been secretly hoping would turn up for the last two years of his life. He goes to move away because his friends are right there, his boyfriend is downstairs buying drinks, and he hasn't explained Adam to hardly anyone, not that he would even know where he would start.

 

Adam is strong; Kris had somehow forgotten that. He has forgotten a lot of things though. A lot of things that come screaming back at him with one press of Adam's body flush up against his.Like the way Adam would hold Kris's hands above his head when he was fucking him, pinning them there and taking all the control away from Kris. He could have protested but the fact was Kris kind of loved feeling that way, feeling owned and having complete trust in another person.

 

Adam won't let him move; every time Kris attempts it Adam holds still, harsh and determined to not let Kris move away.

 

“You look so different.”

 

Kris doesn't think he looks that different. But maybe Adam has the last image he has of Kris stuck in his head. Dressed head to toe in white, angel wings and sparkling. His tight plaid shirt and jeans are a far cry from that.

 

Adam's hands seem to have a mind of their own and they wander across Kris's body with ease. It's wrong that Kris can now remember them so vividly, how every touch sparks a memory of him and Adam together.

 

“Adam...” He doesn't intend for his voice to sound quite so breathless, and the small laugh that escapes Adam is exactly the reaction Kris expected. He hasn't even seen Adam yet but he thinks nothing has changed.

 

“So you knew that it was me? I thought maybe this was just something you do now.”

 

It takes Kris all of three seconds to realize that Adam's fingers have worked their way under his shirt and that he's slumped against Adam, eyes shut and mouth open. He snaps forward, remembering where he is. He just needs some space. Space between him and Adam. A whole country, even, would be great right about now.

 

“You have friends here don't you?” Adam sounds curious more than anything.

 

“Yes.”

 

Adam hums against his neck, gently biting at the skin. Fuck. Why is Kris just letting him do this? Why is Kris letting him do this with all these people around? His friends? His fucking boyfriend?

 

“I've missed your voice.” Adam breathes against his skin, and he can feel goosebumps rising along his arms. Fuck.

 

Kris's fingers grip Adam's, trying to pull them away from how sinfully close they are to skimming beneath the top of Kris's jeans, but Adam just laughs, deep and throaty.

 

“Was that guy your boyfriend?”

 

“Which one?”

 

Adam gives up his attempts to move his fingers lower and instead wraps his hands around Kris's and lets them rest against the skin there.

 

“Tall, serious looking, awful suit.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Kris knows that it's bad how quickly he responded to that. Considering two of those things were an attack on someone Adam clearly had already known was his boyfriend. Kris feels like Adam is trying to get under his skin. He steps closer and Kris knows he should be using more of his energy to push Adam away, but it has always been like this. The only thing that made him walk away that night was a sudden burst of strength and courage, that and a conviction that he didn't need to be treated like shit. He knows that if Adam had tried, really tried like he is now, to get to Kris, there is no way Kris would have gone anywhere.

 

He fucking hates it and yet he craves it for some reason. He didn't even realise how much he had been craving it until right this moment and he really wishes that there was no one else here but the two of them. But it would be a big mistake, big huge mistake. Because he has been here before, in some dark, unknown bar with Adam pressed up against him, whispering words into his ear. He knows how this ends, he knows it ends with him alone and feeling used and broken.

 

“Was that your friend up there? You've been watching her all night, you and you're your friends. She was incredible.”

 

Kris hadn't even noticed Michelle's set being over, the stage is clear and in darkness. He thinks maybe a bomb could have gone off and he wouldn’t have known.

 

“I've been fighting with whether or not to come over. But I saw you on your own and I remembered...”

 

Adam grinds his hips against Kris, and fuck. Kris can feel how hard Adam is against him and yes he remembers, how is he ever going to be able to forget?

 

“Do you?” Adam's voice is breathless and Kris doesn't ever remember having this much of an effect on Adam. He knew Adam was attracted to him, that there was always something there whenever they were together. But Adam was always good at showing what he wanted to show, performing even when he didn't need to be, making sure no one ever really got that close. Kris may be one of the lucky few to have seen that side, but he didn't see it enough and that's why this whole thing is such a bad idea.

 

So why is Kris leaning back against him more? Letting Adam kiss along his neck and dig his fingers into his hips. And when did Adam's hands move down there anyway? When did they start moving against one another?

 

“Stop.”

 

“You know, you're saying stop but I don't think that's what you really want.” Adam grinds into him roughly. The noise that leaves Kris is broken and undone and he really needs to get some distance between them now before he ends up agreeing to Adam fucking him over the balcony.

 

He stops Adam's hands and grabs them, stilling them. “I said stop.”

 

Kris turns quickly and it’s enough to unbalance Adam and make him lose his hold on Kris. They are still pressed fairly close together and Kris had no idea what he was expecting, but this was not it.

 

He was sure Adam would be covered in glitter, wearing something see-through and very, very tiny. Instead he is wearing a suit, black with some kind of sparkling trim. His hair is slicked back off his face and his eyes rimmed heavily with liner. The face is the same, still too beautiful for Kris to stand, but it's different. He looks older somehow.

 

Kris is breathing heavily, his breaths seem to match Adam's exactly and he has no idea how long they spend looking at one another, taking each other in as best they can under the bad lighting. Adam steps forward, his face twisted with something that looks a lot like worry and Kris has never seen that expression before on Adam. In fact there is are a whole lot of things about this Adam that are different and unexpected.

 

One is the radio that is buzzing in his pocket. His name is being called for and the crackling sound as people talk to one another from different corners of the bar. Adam talks directly into it, giving out a bunch of orders and Kris feels like he has stepped into some kind of alternate universe where Adam is this together individual who manages other people and keeps things organized. That had never been one of Adam's stronger qualities; in fact he spent a lot of time trying to get out of anything that had any kind of planning at all.

 

When Adam has finished talking he looks back at Kris. Still, neither of them has put any distance between them. Kris feels like he is stuck to the spot and he just wants to hear everything that Adam has to say. Because this can't be real.

 

“Kris!”

 

Michelle shrieks his name from the top of the staircase and launches herself at him. “Did you hear? Did you hear that crowd? They liked me right? Do you think they liked me? It was so incredible, I can't even... Oh! You met Adam! Kris, this is the guy I told you about.”

 

Kris freezes. Because, yes, this is the guy Michelle told Kris about. She had gone into a long detailed story about the man who had seen her singing outside the coffee shop across from her apartment. He told her that he owned a bar that she just had to perform at because she was exactly what he wanted. Kris doesn't remember her saying the name Adam though, and even if she had it isn't likely that Kris would have put two and two together. He doesn't remember ever telling Michelle Adam's name before either.

 

Michelle scrunches up her face and looks at Kris. “Do you two know each other?”

 

Clearly she has noticed the close proximity - you'd have to be an idiot not to notice it - and Kris takes a step backwards as far as he can without falling off the balcony. He is about to open his mouth and say no but Adam is already answering for him.

 

“Yes. Haven't seen each other for a while though. Like, two years right?”

 

Kris nods. “Right.”

 

“Wow,” Michelle smiles. “Small world.”

 

“You were fantastic tonight, everyone loved you.” Adam smiles, Kris has seen that smile before. He always knew how to charm people, how to say exactly the right thing and yes, Michelle really was amazing. For some reason it kind of bugs Kris that Adam can take some kind of credit for her just because he gave her one gig.

 

“Thank you so much, Adam. This place is amazing. I keep reading all these reviews and the acts you have performing here are just incredible.”

 

“You feel like making it a regular spot?”

 

Michelle's smile widens “For real?”

 

Kris feels like he may as well leave this conversation all together because he is so freaked out by the whole thing right now he has no idea what to do. Michelle throws her arms around Kris and squeaks into his ear and then does the same to Adam. Adam smiles and watches her dance over towards where Craig and Laura and the others are now sitting. Shit, he completely forgot they were there and he has a fear that they saw the whole thing between him and Adam.

 

“Don't worry, they didn't see.”

 

Kris runs his hand through his hair and glares at Adam. “How exactly do you know that? At what point during grinding against me did you turn around and look at my friends?”

 

Adam is clearly amused by Kris's pissy attitude. “Just look at them, not a concerned face in sight. I'm pretty sure if any of them saw they'd be over here asking what the hell was going on, right? Unless you have really shitty friends.”

 

“My friends are amazing.”

 

Adam nods. “There you go then. They didn't see.”

 

He forgets his situation for a moment, watching as Michelle jumps from one person to another, grinning at everyone. He smiles indulgently for a moment, and then remembers.

 

“Why did you do that for her?”

 

“Because she deserves it. Because she is amazing and more people need to see that.”

 

Adam moves forward and leans against the balcony, standing next to Kris. Everything about the moment feels so surreal. Kris has no idea what to say.

 

“I don't...”

 

“You don't what?”

 

Kris knows that Adam is looking at him, he has felt Adam's stare on him since the moment they pulled apart, he just wishes he could define it for what it is. Adam made it perfectly clear where they stood the last time they saw each other. But that was a long time ago and they are not the same. And it is so wrong for Kris to be holding onto something that happened two years ago, especially hanging onto someone who broke his heart so entirely.

 

“You aren't the same.”

 

“No, I'm not.”

 

“You own this bar?”

 

“I do.”

 

Kris lets out a breath he feels he has been holding since the last time he saw Adam. He turns and looks at him, there is a softness in Adam's eyes Kris has never seen before. How can this be the same man who just had Kris pressed up against the balcony, pushing against him.

 

That Adam, Kris knows how to deal with. He is used to that Adam, he is the version Kris has kept locked in his head for the moments when he thinks he made a huge mistake walking away that night. When he wants to remember how bad Adam made him feel. But this version is different. It's like the same person is there underneath, but now there is more. Kris wishes he didn't want to learn everything about this new, changed Adam.

 

“I feel like there's a lot that I want to say. I just... I have no idea where to start.”

 

Adam sounds slightly... nervous. Which is new. In minutes Kris is already learning different things and he is fighting with himself to not fall in love all over again.

 

“Maybe you shouldn't. We should just say goodbye one more time and walk away.” Kris turns away and looks down at the empty stage. He has a sudden longing to be up there and lost in a song.

 

“Is that what you really want?” The disbelief in Adam’s voice pisses Kris off. It reminds him of the way Adam knew Kris would always come running back to time after time, even when he treated him like shit.

 

“Christ! I don't know.” Kris looks at Adam “You are part of this past for me that I've spent a really long time trying to block out and the harder I try the more you seem to creep back in. Then, here you are! It's you in there, except you’re not the same person and all I want to know is why. What happened to make you this person and not the guy I knew back then?”

 

“You know, I'm still the guy you knew back then.”

 

“I don’t know what to do with that. So you being like this, one minute pinning me up against the balcony and then being this sensible and good guy, helping out my friend. Which one are you really?”

 

“Both?” Adam smiles slightly. “Kris, I’m not proud of how I treated you back then. In fact I’m not proud of a lot of things I did. And... I’m sorry for doing that to you earlier but... you just kind of have this effect on me.” There’s a small smile on Adam’s lips, a glint in his eyes. “You always have.”

 

Kris knows exactly what Adam means, because it works both ways. He always felt like Adam had some kind of hold over him, like he could make him do anything he wanted. He wasn’t aware that Adam suffered with the same thing for him.

 

“I know I don’t deserve it, but if you could just... give me a chance to explain. Maybe I can prove to you that I’m not the complete asshole you think I am.”

 

“Why?” The anger is flaring up in Kris. He is trying to keep it under control and remember where he is and who he is surrounded by. “It’s been two years, Adam. Why should I let you explain anything?”

 

“Because you loved me once.”

 

He wants to scream so many things at Adam. Yes I fucking loved you and you were more aware of that than anything. Using me when you wanted me and casting me aside when you were done. But it’s everything Adam already knows and there is a pain in his eyes that tells Kris that Adam is already living with enough guilt over how he behaved. Kris might be angry at Adam, but he still can’t bring himself to want to cause him any pain.

 

“The truth is, you scared the life out of me back then. I'd never felt that way before and I was used to being a certain way. I had my friends and we’d go out most nights and party and... I’d fool around with guys.”

 

“I know. I saw a lot of it.” Images flash through Kris’s mind of the countless number of times he walked into the apartment and found Adam with some guy. It’s not something he has ever really been able to forget. The image of someone you love so completely - with someone else.

 

“Even before I met you, I was the same way, maybe even worse. I never had to think about another person’s feelings. I was selfish and stupid. I was mad at you for wanting to take away that part of my life.”

 

“That's such bullshit.”

 

“I know it is. I knew you. I knew that’s not what you were doing. You just loved me, a lot more than I deserved. I wish I could erase all the shitty things I did. I’d change so many things that I did. But I can’t”

 

“What do you want me to say?” Kris sighs. He has no idea what to do with any of this, because Adam is right. He can't change what he did and Kris still can't forget, it doesn't solve anything for them. Kris still feels the same way, he still feels the same fire for Adam and he is going to have to accept that.

 

“Do you love him?”

 

Kris shakes his head. “Don't do that. You can't just - do that.”

 

“What? I just...”

 

“You just what?” Kris pushes away from the balcony and turns to face Adam. “I like my life. Despite the fact that I have the lowest paying job in the history of the world, that I can't get any gigs except for my living room and a boyfriend who... a boyfriend who cares a lot about me.”

 

Adam drops his head, his whole body seems to slump in reaction to Kris's words. Kris steps forward into Adam's personal space, it doesn't feel wrong to be so close, it never has felt wrong. One thing Kris will admit to right now is that there is something between them, some kind of physical pull. If only that's all there is to it.

 

“You seem to have a pretty good life, Adam. This is what you talked about wanting all those years ago and I never thought you'd do it. I don't even think you believed you'd achieve it. So the fact that you have is a big deal. This thing between us whatever it is... I never wanted you to change. I wanted you to want me and to love me. It’s not the same now. It's been too long and it’s just not the same.”

 

“Isn't that better though? Isn't it better that I'm not the same person...”

 

Kris has to smile at that. “I don't think that person has gone completely.”

 

Adam looks at him with a spark in his eye, his mouth curved up into a smirk and that is more like the Adam he knows. He shakes his head and laughs, sure that Adam is thinking about something entirely inappropriate, and before Kris can even ask he feels an elbow nudging his arm.

 

Josh is smiling, holding out his drink. “Sorry, it’s crazy down there.”

 

Kris mutters something in response and takes the drink. Josh is looking in-between the two of them clearly waiting for some kind of introduction but he has no idea how to explain this one at all. Josh has never shown any signs of being the jealous type before, but it would be hard to be around Adam and not feel it even a little bit. So Kris isn't surprised when Josh puts his arm around Kris's waist and pulls him close.

 

“Hi, I'm Josh. Kris's boyfriend.”

 

Adam smiles his best fake happiness smile. “It's nice to meet you.”

 

“This is Adam, he owns the bar. He was the one who gave Michelle the gig here.” Kris mumbles his way through the words and takes another gulp of his drink.

 

“Oh. Right.” The relief in Josh's voice is obvious and he hopes that the conversation will just flow away from the fact that he and Adam knew each other before that. He is saved by Michelle who is still on a complete high.

 

“Okay! We need more drinks and lots of them! Adam, are you gonna join us?”

 

Adam shakes his head and smiles. “I can't, gotta get back to work.”

 

Michelle runs off in the direction she came from, still completely focused on the task at hand. Kris has a feeling she will regret being so determined to get drunk. Josh loosens his grip on Kris and moves away, Kris starts to follow and he hopes that Adam will just walk away, that it will be over just like it was the last time. Instead, Adam brushes his fingers against Kris's for a brief moment and just looks at him.

 

Kris is staggered by that look. It's a look he remembers all too well; Kris on his back, Adam pushing in and holding still, looking down at him and brushing the hair off his face, licking at the beads of sweat on his forehead.

 

“You didn't answer my question. You didn't say that you loved him. And you may have changed, but I know you. If you loved him you'd say it. I know you.”

 

Their fingers somehow entwine, and Kris is so aware that Josh is right there, just a few steps away. It’s wrong that he cares so little that Josh could easily see the two of them if he were just to turn back looking for Kris.

 

“I can’t do this, Adam. Please, don’t do this.” He isn’t entirely sure what he is pleading with Adam to do. He knows he wants Adam to let go, because he has so little strength in himself to be the one to break away first.

 

“I can prove it to you. I can prove how much I’ve changed. I can be worthy of you loving me...”

 

Kris steps forward, and it’s crazy how he wants to come to Adam’s defense. He has never seen Adam act like this, he has never heard him speak the way he has tonight. He doesn’t know how to process any of it.

 

“Adam, you don’t need to prove anything to me. I loved you once. But... we both moved on. Is there really any point going over this again?”

 

There is a desperation to how Adam moves forward to grip Kris, it’s familiar and easy to let himself be guided closer to Adam. “You still love me.”

 

Kris should be mad at Adam presuming he knows how Kris feels, he should want to push him away and explain again that he has a boyfriend. But there is something kind of broken about Adam. This might be the perfect opportunity at revenge, and a lot of people would take it. But it’s not in Kris’s nature to be that way. He could especially never be that way towards Adam.

 

“Do you love me? Did you ever?”

 

He doesn’t expect the reaction from Adam that he gets. Adam’s hands drop to his sides and he takes a step back, recoiling quickly from Kris’s words. The reaction is not what he expected but he should have seen it coming. It was never hard for Kris to tell Adam he loved him. That’s just who Kris is, if he loves someone he will say it. Adam has that right at least. But to hear those words coming back from Adam would be some kind of miracle.

 

Adam opens his mouth, some kind of response hanging there waiting to be said. It feels like everything slows down as Kris waits for a response he knows he is never going to get.

 

Michelle is by his side again, talking to him about moving on somewhere else and he agrees and nods in all the right places but he never once turns away from Adam. Why is he still waiting?

 

“Kris!” Michelle is in front of him now, waving her arms around and finally it’s broken the link between them and he smiles. He searches around for Josh and finds him almost instantly, walking towards him almost in a daze. He can hear Michelle behind him saying goodbye to Adam, thanking him again. He wonders if he’ll really ever say goodbye to Adam.

 

He doesn’t look back to where he left Adam standing until he is down the stairs and just about to walk out the door. He can see Adam clearly amongst everyone else, leaning up against the railing of the balcony watching Kris intently.

 

He feels Josh take his hand and link their fingers together. It feels warm and comfortable and everything that it has always felt when he is with Josh. But its not on fire, its not burning and passionate and maybe its time to accept that its okay. It’s a different kind of love, but it’s still love. Josh knows him and accepts him, it’s just about enough for Kris to accept.

 

It doesn’t stop him keeping his eyes locked with Adam as he starts to move toward the door though, it doesn’t stop him turning away even when Josh tries to pull him closer, and most of all it doesn’t stop him wishing that a part of him was still up there with Adam. 


End file.
